Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
