Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
