Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
