Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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