remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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