Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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