He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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