That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize