I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
is wine microwaveable?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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