I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize