Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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