I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
