i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
