Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
