He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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