Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
