dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
