i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
