She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
