Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
