My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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