Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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