Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
