two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We had to coat check the pizza.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
