im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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