when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
