I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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