new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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