I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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