oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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