I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
