Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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