he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize