I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
