After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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