Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
