My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
