how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
