I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he's gonorrhea incarnate
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
