she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
