Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
