WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
