i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We left an ass print on the piano.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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