So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
