im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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