Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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