i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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