my mouth tastes like poor choices
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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