my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
