she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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