omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
