I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
