So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
