So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
