Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize