i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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